No Excuse
by PadfootIsMyHomeDawg
Summary: companion fic to Stolen Innocence - must read that first! Sirius' reaction when he wakes up and realizes that he's raped his own godson, and his interaction with Harry the next morning. Somewhat graphic, rated M, implied past JPSB


**Gosh…I had thought that I would only write ****_Stolen Innocence _****and then be done with it, but several people wanted a sequel, and so I wrote ****_Never His in the First Place_****. And I thought I'd be done there. And then several ****_more _****people asked to see Sirius' reaction and subsequent obliviation, and xharrypotter said (s)he would ****_pay _****to read that and then Sirius and Harry's reactions when they're back together again for the first time.**

**So, thank xharrypotter for this! It's mainly his/her PM that convinced me to write this, but all you other lovely people who said they wanted more, you're not forgotten! We need more people like you that will speak up…**

**And, I'm not demanding money (haha) 'cause I'm pretty sure that's not allowed on this site…but reviews are payment enough! Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Sirius woke up drowsily when he heard the door click closed. He was confused when he saw Remus gazing at him sadly, and even more confused because his thoughts were too jumbled to string together coherently what happened. He felt vaguely sore but relaxed, and he struggled to sit up. For some reason he was naked, though he couldn't fathom why.

"Moony – " his mouth was sticky, like he'd eaten too much peanut butter. "Wha's going on?" He couldn't remember why he was in his bed.

"You slipped," his friend said quietly, coming closer.

"I…what?"

"You haven't been the same since Azkaban – we both know it," Remus said, disappointment clear in his voice. "I tried to help, but…" he shrugged, though it wasn't a careless shrug. It was more the shrug of someone who was worn out from the world and weary of life. He sat down wearily on top of the desk.

Sirius was getting a vague sense of what Remus was talking about, and he dropped his gaze downward, to the bed. He could see blood there, and something sort of whitish-grey that looked _very _familiar to him.

His gaze shot up to Remus, who was still gazing at him sadly. Growing horror built in his stomach and his heart pounded faster.

"I didn't…" he croaked, heart tearing at the thought of what he might've done to his godson.

Remus only looked at him, not saying anything, and then gave a brief nod of affirmation.

Something tore apart in his chest, and a sob involuntarily escaped his chest. "No," he said brokenly, not wanting to believe it, but knowing it was true. He felt so wretchedly horrible as he remembered what he had done with James before his best friend and lover's death. How much of that had he put Harry through?

_He crooked his fingers and watched delightedly as Jamie gasped in surprise and quivered underneath him. Jamie was murmuring something – he looked sad, tears streaming down his cheeks, but tonight he wasn't going to lick them off – he just looked too beautiful with the tears stained on his cheeks. He knew that his lover knew that he liked the tears though, so he knew that the tears weren't real. He crooked his fingers again, pressing down on the nerve endings bundled up inside. Jamie smashed his face into the pillow._

_"Gods, you look so hot like that," he groaned, pressing a kiss to Jamie's sweat-soaked neck and replacing his fingers with his leaking cock._

"No," he whispered again as the memory washed through him. He remembered though – "Jamie" had had _green _eyes – not hazel, like his lover. He had _really _done that to Harry.

"It's not your fault, Padfoot," Remus said. "It's Azkaban's fault."

"Azkaban isn't a person," Sirius said brokenly. "This is all _my_ fault."

"If you hadn't gone to Azkaban, your brain would have been able to understand James' death," Remus said. "But the Dementors – "

"If I hadn't gone after _Wormtail_, I never would've gone to Azkaban," Sirius said, though the harshness was lost in the heartbreak of what he had done to his own _godson_. "I thought…I thought I was doing better, Remus. I didn't think I'd…"

_He pushed in slowly – he was so much tighter than he remembered. Then the hole clenched, and he lost control for a moment – long enough to slam the rest of the way in._

_Jamie screamed below him, head thrown back, and then he was trembling, sobbing at the pain. He knew that he had really hurt him, but he hadn't __**meant **__to lose control. Jamie should really know better by now._

_He began pressing his lips to the sweaty neck in apology, trying to comfort him and convey his remorse._

_"I told you to relax, Jamie," he said, but his lover was still sobbing. He began to suspect that maybe he was overdoing the tears purely for his own benefit, and that thought made him smile. Jamie was always thinking about him – even when he himself was turned on and wanted his own relief._

_"I'm going to start moving now," he told him. Jamie began blubbering something – something about it burning, and he smiled. Jamie had always liked the burn._

_So he pulled out, and then slammed back in, smiling more when Jamie let out a cry of pleasure._

Sirius clapped his hands to his ears. "No," he moaned, tears streaming from his eyes as he changed the scene in his head to incorporate a frightened fifteen-year-old Harry. "How could I do that to him – _how_?"

"You thought it was James," Remus said simply, though Sirius could see the distaste in his eyes, the underlying tone that he really didn't think it was okay.

"Moony," he gasped. "Tell me – did I…?"

"Did you spank him?" Remus finished with a raised eyebrow, nose crinkled slightly in something like disgust. At Sirius wordless nod, Remus nodded his head to something on the ground. "Rather hard, if the redness on his backside was anything to go by."

Sirius followed Remus' direction to the ground, where a large wooden paddle rested. He swallowed harshly, recognizing the object he and James had used rather frequently in the past. He had kept it in his closet, for what reason he didn't know.

He buried his face in his hands and brought his knees up to rest his chin on top. He began to sob, feeling so wretchedly horrible. How could he do this to his own godson? Never mind that he looked so much like his own dead lover. Never mind that Azkaban and the Dementors had made him go literally insane. There was no excuse for this. He had really thought that this wouldn't happen – Remus had told him before how he had been looking at his godson of late, but Sirius hadn't really believed it to be as bad as Remus had been trying to tell him. He had thought that yes – his brain might think it was James…but he wouldn't _force _him to do anything, would he?

_"Sirius – __**no**__ – "Jamie was pushing against his chest, trying to get him off, so he simply took hold of his wrists and held them above his head, pressed against the door. He nipped his bottom lip, and tasted blood. Jamie made a sound and turned his head away._

_Ah. _

_"So we're playing that game tonight, huh?" he laughed quietly and leaned forward to lick off the blood trickling down his chin, grinding his hardness against Jamie's hip as he desperately sought the friction. He quivered in delight when he saw the tears in Jamie's eyes, not fallen but on the brink. He loved those tears._

"He must hate me now," Sirius moaned as the other memory crashed suddenly over him. And well he should. Harry didn't deserve someone like him in his life.

"Actually, he doesn't," Remus said. "I healed him up, and then obliviated him. I believe he's playing a game of Wizard's chess with Ron as we speak."

Sirius nodded in acceptance. "You should've let him hate me," he said forlornly. "I made him _bleed_. I _hurt _him." He felt like sobbing again.

"And even when he remembered, he didn't hate you," Remus said calmly. "The main thing he was concerned about was if James loved Lily still, if he really cared about him enough that he would keep fucking with you even after he was married."

"But he _did _love Lily," Sirius said quickly, almost desperately. "You told him that, didn't you?"

"Of course I did," Remus assured him. "Then he was concerned that the two of you didn't love _him _enough to stop. I assured him of both your guys' love."

"Good," Sirius said, slightly relieved but still feeling horribly guilty.

Remus stood up and began waving his wand to clean away the blood and semen on the mattress. "His next concern of course, was for you."

Sirius was startled. "_Me_?"

Remus nodded, handing him a clean pair of pajama pants. Sirius held them in his hands, making no move to put them on. Remus spelled the clothes that Sirius had discarded during…_that_…to go into the hamper by the closet.

"Yes – you," Remus said. "He was concerned about your guilt, should you happen to remember it once you were sane again. Put the pants on, Sirius." Sirius obeyed. "I told him that it really depended on how deeply immersed you were in your insanity. I don't know if he realized that he was speaking out loud, but he said that it was not _you _that raped him – it was your insanity."

"What's the difference?" Sirius said in a voice more harsh than he meant it. Remus didn't seem to care as he cast a couple of cleaning charms and banished the paddle back into Sirius' closet, on the top shelf.

"You wouldn't have done this if you were in your right mind, is what it means," Remus said in a gentle voice. "He proceeded to tell me that the part of you that is his sane godfather is fun, and he doesn't want that part gone."

Then his wand was pointed at Sirius, and Sirius froze, gazing at his friend as he continued, "And the only way to do that was to _Obliviate _you."

"Remus…" Sirius said carefully. "I need to remember this – I _can't _let it happen again."

"You're going to slip again, either way," Remus said sadly. "I think we both know that, as much as you want to believe otherwise." He tightened his grip on his wand, aiming more surely at Sirius' head. "I'll watch harder, Sirius. I won't let this happen to Harry again, but you don't need this memory on top of your other past horrors."

"Wait – Moony…!" Sirius said desperately.

"I'm sorry, Padfoot," Remus whispered, a lone tear escaping his eye. "_Obliviate._"

* * *

Remus watched at breakfast as Sirius munched on a piece of toast, looking a little lost and confused. It was just the two of them in the kitchen – too early, really, for anyone else. Remus stirred his plain oatmeal, not having much of an appetite. He felt too sick, knowing what he had done to the two people who meant the most in the world to him.

Then he heard light treads on the stairs, and he looked up to see Harry, who looked tired but wide-awake at the same time, if that made any sense. It was like he'd been awakened too early and couldn't get back to sleep.

"Hello, Professor," he yawned, seeing Remus. He looked at Sirius, and something shifted slightly in his eyes – something like confusion, like he was trying to remember something. (Which he probably was.) "Hi, Sirius."

"Morning," Sirius smiled, looking sleepy himself.

"Do you guys know a healing charm?" Harry asked them as he went to the cupboard where the cereal was kept.

"What's wrong, pup?" Sirius asked him, concerned. "Did you hurt yourself?"

"I don't know," Harry shrugged, coming over with a box of corn flakes. "My hands have been bugging me all night – I think I cut them on my fingernails, like I clenched them into fists too hard, but I don't remember doing it."

Remus' heart pounded faster – he'd missed some of the wounds last night! – but he was silent as Sirius inspected his godson's hands.

"Yeah – you really did a number on them," Sirius observed. "Angry at some Slytherins again?" he quirked a smile.

Harry smirked back. "Only a certain prissy Malfoy."

Sirius chuckled. "I'll bet," he muttered, pulling out his wand and pointing it at Harry's palms. "_Episkey_."

After all eight of the cuts were healed, Harry flexed his hands and smiled in relief, going to get milk from the fridge. "Thanks, Sirius," he said.

"Anytime," Sirius said. "You just remember that it's better to hurt Draco Malfoy than yourself. I can teach you a few good hexes for when you go back to school, you know…"

Harry grinned. "Sure, Sirius. Just nothing permanent."

Sirius exaggerated an expression of being offended. "_Me_?" he said innocently. "_Never_."

Remus breathed a little easier, unable to help from smiling, a little sadly, at how normal the two of them were. He vowed then and there to do everything he could to keep Sirius' past self away from Harry, and he already had an idea on how to do it.

_Lily, I will protect your son any way I can, _he thought. _Anything for Harry._

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**Okay…I kind of feel like I portrayed Remus to be a bastard – he obliviated Harry and Sirius, and both times it feels like ****_he's _****the one calling the shots with his reasoning and such, and I hope you don't see it that way. I was trying to make it more like he's the one caught in the middle – especially if you've read ****_Never His in the First Place_****. I've always felt the worst for Remus, because of how much he's lost, so I don't know why my brain insists on writing these fics where he's having probably the hardest time…whatever though.**

**Anyway, hope you guys liked this one, and please leave a review in the box below! :)**


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